“The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed go in the second drawer. And the heroin goes in the bottom drawer. Always separate the drugs.” - Mouth
I love The Goonies, you love The Goonies!
I am a Goonie, you’re a Goonie!
We Are Goonies!!
So, there is really no reason for me to review this film. We all know how much of a classic it is. So instead, in a most controversial decision, I have decided to rank The Goonies members from least best to best (there are no bad Goonies). COME AT ME!!
8. Andrea “Andy” Carmichael
“Does Brand wear braces”
Unfortunately, one Goonie has to come in last place, and that Goonie is Andy. There is nothing necessarily wrong with Andy she is just the newest Goonie and was kind of a ditsy sometimes.
She also dated that buster Troy, good thing she dropped him when she finally decided to become a Goonie.
However, The Goonies would never have been able to find one-eyed Willy’s treasure without her piano skills.
Bonus Points: For kissing two different Goonies, who are also brothers (Playas gonna play).
7. Lotney “Sloth” Fratelli
“Hey, you guys!”
Mr. Baby Ruth himself! The only human that could give superman a run for his money in a strength contest.
All this big ball of goof wanted was a real family that would accept, and love him. His real family “The Fratellis” was not that family, and in the end he stood up for himself and saved the Goonies.
This chocolate loving black sheep finally found his home, with the Goonies.
Love you too, Sloth!
6. Brandon “Brand” Walsh
“I’m gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will be out of style!”
The oldest and somehow the most awkward of the Goonies, Brand was a tough guy with a heart of gold, who really cared about his brothers and fellow Goonies.
He cared enough about his brother to steal a crying girl’s bike.
And tough enough to survive a surely fatal bike crash.
I still wear a red bandanna in his honor (RIP BRAND)!
5. Stephanie “Stef” Steinbrenner
“This is ridiculous. It’s crazy. I feel like I’m babysitting, except I’m not getting paid.”
In my opinion the toughest of the Goonie crew, sorry Brand! She was tough, cool, and still sensitive. She could baby sit the boys but, also keep lover-girl Andy in check.
Bonus points, for being the only Goonie that could make Mouth stop talking.
A Stef tip for all you girls out there, the next time you kiss your boyfriend, “Do it with your eyes open. It’s a whole different experience.”
(Side Note: I had a huge crush on Stef)
(Side Side Note: This did not affect her ranking)
4. Richard “Data” Wang
“Thats what I said! BOOBY TRAPS! God. These Guys!”
The smallest and smartest of the Goonies, Data was the gadget master. Without him the team definitely would have been caught by the Fratellis sooner. Time for a Listception.
Best Data Gadgets Ranked
1. Slick Shoes
2. Pincers of Peril
3. Bully Blinders
3. Michael “Mikey” Walsh
“Oh my GOD! That’s my mom’s most favorite piece!”
The most heroic Goonie and defacto leader, Mikey. The Goonie who was always there to bring up the spirits of rest of the team, when things were looking bad. Remember “Goonies Never Say Die!”
He was also totally cool with messing with dead skeleton Willy.
Also, a way better kisser than his brother.
The other cool thing about Mikey was that he was a hero with an inhaler. Something I also used when I was his age. You can be a hero to, even if you can’t breathe quite well. (Note: Don’t throw your inhaler away like Mikey, you might die)
2. Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen
“Okay, Brand. Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.”
When everybody thinks of Chunk, the think about the Truffel Shuffel, which is a great dance.
But I always loved his speech about throwing up in the movie theater, me and my brothers used to quote it all the time, sound effects and everything.
If I ever auditioned for Juilliard this is the scene I would do. “My name is Willem Gonzalez and I will be performing the vomit speech in The Goonies”
1. Clark “Mouth” Devereaux
“Senior Jerk Alert!”
Without a doubt the best Goonie is “Mouth”. Not only does he speak perfect Spanish, he has a great line or speech for every occasion, and he lands Stef at the end (Lukcy jerk).
“Your looks are kind of pretty...when your face doesn’t screw it up” Has to be the smoothest line since Han Solo’s “I know”.
Everybody thinks they call him the “Mouth” because he doesn’t stop talking, actually this is why he is called the “Mouth”.
There you have it, the best Goonies in order, and if your list is any different you are wrong!! Tell me your terrible list in the comments below!
When I was a kid, my brothers and I had an incredibly large VHS collection, maybe 200 tapes that took up half of our room. One day, our mother told us that we needed to get rid of a large portion of our collection because, it was a big eye sore, and we didn’t watch most of them anyway, which was true. After the great purge of 1998, we only kept 10 VHS tapes, one of which was The Goonies. We must have watched that one tape over 800 times, no exaggeration. We would put it on every night before we fell asleep, for a year straight. As time went on, and we purchased a DVD player, we lost almost all of the 10 remaining VHS tapes, one of the three tapes we still have today is The Goonies. It will forever be in my top five movies of all time, and I am amazed that that same VHS tape still works today.
In a sentence
The Goonies is one of the most formative films of my and many other kids’ childhood, and taught us all a valuable lesson, “Goonies Never Say Die!”
Rotten tomatoes: 69%
My Rating: 5.0 Inhaler Pumps Of 5
“You can escape purgatory, but you can’t escape Hell.” - Priest in My Left Foot
This has been day 15 of 30 VHS In 30 DAYS. My journey to the center of VHS Hell. Special thanks to I Luv Video in Austin, The World’s Largest Video Store, for being my spiritual and literal guide through VHS purgatory.